Ek Sansanikhez Note: Part-I

I thought I’d try and keep things fresh here by not overdoing the stale movies bit. Plus, I couldn’t find any funny screenshots of the movies I wanted to cover in Part-III of the Ghaati Bollywood list, so there. But rest assured, I am working on it.

Of course, having said that, the Indian Media and Entertainment Business has never been short of other things worth making fun of. So, in the meantime, this list, for your consideration.

I was thinking the other night that I have a lot (And I mean, A LOT!) of friends, who are, directly and indirectly, associated with the news media. Some report for newspapers, others work for TV News stations. But thankfully, none of them work for the lovely people over at the channels about to be mentioned herein.

Yes. This series will cover some of the most outrageously hilarious and tragically ridiculous news stories being covered these days. Kya aap is sansanikhez khulaase ke liye tayyaar hain?

Sansanikez Item #1: Amitabh Ke Purvjanam Ka Rahasya


Here’s a scenario for you to chew on. Mr. Bachchan is admitted to the Leelavati Hospital with what may well be a life-threatening illness. There’re no interviews from family or friends on offer and no news forthcoming from elsewhere either. But you still have to put up some sorta news item on the guy, right? As a self-proclaimed serious news channel, what do you do? Do you show a montage of clips from his movies? Do you do a story on his previous major injuries? Wrong! You, of course, air a half hour special about his previous birth in the 19th Century!

In a shocking (SHOCKING!) 30 minute display of investigative journalism, we find out that Amitabh Bachchan was actually a 19th Century American theatre actor by the name of Edwin Booth. Now, get this. Edwin Booth’s first wife was apparently Rekha in a previous birth; his second wife was Jaya Bachchan in a previous birth; and his mum… That’s right! The future Big Momma B!

Edwin Booth, himself, was a neat guy, evidently. He did a bunch of Shakespearean plays, was moderately famous, got married a couple of times. Not someone you’d mind being reincarnated from, really. But while going through his Wiki (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Edwin_Booth) during research, I found out that there’s one tiny little detail about him which India TV conveniently decided to skip out on, either for a lack of time or for lack of importance. I leave it up to you to decide.

See, Edwin Booth had a brother. A brother by the name of John Wilkes. John assassinated one Mr. Abraham Lincoln. John was a bad boy.

The most painful part about this report is the guy who keeps going “Shaayad Aapko Yakeen Nahi Hoga” every so often in the background. Amitabh Bachchan – Reincarnation of the brother of the guy who killed the most famous President in the history of mankind. Yeah, “Shaayad”.

Sansanikez Item #2 : Besharmon Ki Fauj


“The Army of the Shameless” news story is one of my personal favourites because the irony of using that headline on others is so completely lost on the amazing team working over at India TV, they actually thought they could get away with it.

This story aired after Team India’s loss at the Asia Cup. The channel took it upon itself to personally rip apart every batsman with headlines so cringeworthy, they’ve now become the best batting lineup in the entire world in 7 months, for fear of putting the layman through something that mind-numbing again.

Sansanikhez Quotes:
“In chehro ke paas khoon toh hai, magar crease par jam kar khade rehne ke liye haddiyan nahi hai!”

“Yuvraj, tumhare hazaaron ad filmon main toh retake hote honge, magar Mendis ke saamne koi retake nahi hota!”

“Virat Kohli, captaan Dhoni se dosti karne ka yeh matlab nahi hai ki tum match main anhoni kar sakte ho!”

The funniest thing about this show is the flash banner for the show about to air after this one. “Shani Par Sankat”. A story that covers the apparent end of the world in 2012.

Sansanikez Item # 3: Kabutaron Par Grenade Ka Kahar



26/11 was the epitome of the media being at its frenziest. From the terrorists’ chicken and dry fruits diet to the blueprints of buildings 5 miles from The Oberoi, these people had to air it all. But the one ridiculous story that stands head, shoulders and feathers above the rest is this one about the pigeons in front of the Gateway of India. If you don’t have the time to YouTube it, here’s a gist. The cameraman zooms in on individual pigeons, while the reporter, very seriously, might I add, sums up its thoughts and feelings about the whole situation. So we get gems such as:

“Yeh Kabootar pure din bhuke pyaase badbada rahe the ki hamare Taj ko kya hua”

“Is Kabootar ko samajh nahi aa raha hai ki aakhir uska dosh kya tha”

“In kabootaron ki maut se aisa lagta hai ki bharat ki shaan kahin ghoom ho gayi hai”

Hmm… 170 something people are killed by terrorists in two of the country’s biggest hotels, no biggie. “Ek kabootar mar gaya!? Haw, hamari shaan ka kya hoga?” Right on, reporter dude.

Sansanikez Item #4: Helicopter Se Dulhaniya Lene Pahuncha Dulha

Come wedding season, over-extravagance is a concept lost on most families here. So the folks over at Live India decide to cover a story on grooms ditching horses for helicopters. Seems legitimate enough. Ah, but who wants legitimate when you can do outrageously bizarre! Enter the awful production values that only few can manage, and even lesser can believe, even if they see it.

This report comprises what is, evidently, the newscaster sitting in a disgracefully photoshopped rendition of a (mindfuck) helicopter with an even more mindfuckingly photoshopped female model / co-pilot, and then flying over a photoshopped city. Now, I’m not even going to try and explain what they were trying to accomplish here so I’ll just put up some screenshots. Maybe you guys can figure it out.




Sansanikez Item # 5: Maut Se Panga

Guy falls on railway tracks. Train runs over guy. Train passes over completely. Guy walks out alive.

This story’s actually pretty amazing and given the right spin, could’ve really been cool, in an AXN World’s Most Amazing Videos kinda way. But what spin did these guys choose, you ask? The thought bubbles with weird captions spin, of course!

So while we watch the guy lying face down on the tracks, these surreal thought texts keep popping up, including:

“Arey, yeh train khatam hi nahi hoti!”


“Kitni lambi hai yeh train?”


Oh, and all these thought bubble captions are narrated out loud by the reporter in a tone that can only be described as one of admiration and impressiveness. In effect, if I were to translate the narrative and the subtext in English, it would go something like this:

“Whoa baby! This train just keeps going on and on and on….!”


“Dude, This Train Is Loooong!”

Both, not really the first things you’d expect a guy lying under a moving train to be thinking.

Alright, that’s it for this edition then. So, in true sansanikhez fashion, “Yeh thi khabrein aaj tak. Intezaar kijiye kal tak.”

Rating 4.86 out of 5
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Ghaat The Hell!? Unintentionally Funny, Must-Watch Bollywood Movies – Part 1

I was driving back home from work the other day, and I saw a poster plastered across a wall covering half a ‘Stick No Bills’ sign. The poster seemed to be for a movie of the Erotic Comedy Noir genre called ‘Tu Hamaar Babua’. I say ‘Noir’ simply because the poster was in Black & White. Now I don’t really mind Ghaati Bhojpuri flicks because… Well, there’re no pretensions there. They’re meant to be ghaati. This post isn’t about them.

This deals with ghaatiness of another kind. These movies look like harmless genre flicks from the outside, but beware! Hidden inside in 70mm are cinematic gems that, depending upon your perspective, either need to be preserved in titanium reinforced containers for generations to come (Mine) or destroyed and buried at sea, not unlike the Decepticons at the end of the Transformers movie (Everyone else’s). These are my first picks for ‘Unintentionally Funny, Must-Watch Bollywood Movies’ through the ages:


Intended Genre: Fantasy Revenge Saga

Actual Genre: Story that makes you go “Wha!?”… With bad special effects.

The plot summary they’ve given on Wikipedia is a read through not to be missed! Don’t miss the part about the force-field wielding college dean/priest, Raj Babbar. Just keep in mind that the actual movie is like a gazillion times more bizarre than that write up.

Personal Favourite Scene: Where, for some inexplixable reason, the killer Anaconda Naag starts making out with Sunil Shetty.

Rated X-essively Bizzare


Intended Genre: Action, with Socio-Political Commentary

Actual Genre: Gay Porno… Sponsored by Mountain Dew

Every time I watch a movie like this, I’m forced to wonder whether the actors sometimes stop during the making and think to themselves, “Man, this is gonna suck!” Then they go ahead and make another one, and I realize, “Umm… NO!”

Mission Istanbul is basically a Homo-Erotic Mountain Dew Commercial. Now, I don’t remember the exact dialogues, but I think the below reconstruction of one of the scenes is pretty accurate and should give you a fair gist.

Block 1:

Zayed Khan: Whoa dude! Nice pecks!

Block 2:

The Other Guy: Sorry pal! Not interested. I’m a one man man. Nice pickup line, though.

Block 3:

Bald Guy: Yeh kya chal raha hai yahaan?

Other Guy: No baby, aisa kuch nahi hai.

Block 4:

Bald Guy: Mujhe kuch nahi sunna. (To Zayed) Dafaa ho jaa yahaan se Daayan.

Block 5:

Other Guy: Dude, I don’t know what you’re doing in this scene but I’m gonna make out with you anyways…

Block 6:

Other Guy to Bald Guy: It’s not you, it’s me.

Bald Guy: Don’t leave me. I’m scared! Tumhare bina main adhura hoon!

Other Guy: Darr Ke Aage Jeet Hai!

Like I said… Pretty Accurate.


Intended Genre: Adventure

Actual Genre: Movies made with less than 2 square centimeters of cloth for costumes.

Admittedly, I haven’t seen the entire movie. So for all I know, this is an actual cinematic masterpiece. But going by the parts I did see, that seems highly unlikely. A fact reiterated by the soundtrack from the master who gave us classics such as, “You are my chicken fry” and “I am sorry sorry madam, I am late late.. Traffic Jam”. Who else but Bappi Lahiri?

Favourite Lyrics (From the gem ‘Tarzan, Oh my Tarzan!’): “God made man, but tailor makes gentleman!”

PS – If you think I’m kidding, check out the entire song here.

Adventures of Tarzan: The story of how a woman can wear waterproof lipstick in the jungle, but not a bra!


Intended Genre: Family Drama

Actual Genre: Subhash Ghai: The Hardcore Anti-Not-Retarded-Audience Man!

Again, a movie I’ve only watched the first 17 minutes of (Thanks for the recomme

ndation, Kanksha). But man, oh man! In those 17 minutes, this movie surpasses all that came before it. Sample this:

Salman gives Katrina flowers to apologise. Katrina falls in love and wants to get him a gift of her own. What is the ideal return gift for flowers, you ask? Why, a superbike, of course. And how do you deliver that superbike to him? Well, you defy all sane logic and somehow manage to sneak it into his bedroom… which is on the first floor… and all this, completed in the time he takes to have a bath.

I have to admit. I thought it was a dream sequence at first. Turns out, I was just giving them too much credit.

The gift from logistical hell!


Intended Genre: Romance

Actual Genre: Movies that can actually make us forgive actors who take to drug addiction!

I mean, seriously! ‘Doped’ is the only way someone would star in a movie like this, let alone debut.The trippy dialogues aside, and there some trippy ones here… Such as the 60 year old man complementing the 20 year old girl on her “Kamaal ka husn”. Or the chick who starts lecturing her wannabe rapist on how she is the “Bharatiya naari ki sabhyata ka prateek”… while he’s still chasing her! Anyways, that aside, the movie is just plain disturbing.

Disturbian Dialogue Hall of Fame : Father hugs daughter who he’s had a fight with, lets out what can only be called a soft moan (And I mean that in the exact sense you’re thinking it), and tells her, “Tum nahi jaanti mere andar abhi kya ho raha hai! *Soft Moan*”

Story of Burning ________ (Insert Synonym for ‘Brain’)


Intended Genre: Female Empowerment Social Drama

Actual Genre: Movies that make you lose faith in the justice system

Plot Summary: Rani screams at guy. Guy rapes Rani. Rani screams at judge. Guy tries to get Rani killed. Rani Escapes. Rani screams at judge some more. Judge feels guilty and delivers his verdict.

What’s the verdict, you ask? 7 years rigorous imprisonment? Sazaa-e-Maut? Oh no, this is Bollywood! Picture abhi baaki hai mere dost. The judge, evidently with her best interests in mind, orders the guy to marry Rani (!!??) And Rani, for reasons beyond comprehension, seems to think that marrying the ugly fuck who raped her is a good idea. The rest of the movie is pretty much a series of hilarious capers where the vampy bhabhi tries to off Rani, but ends up getting blown to bits in the kitchen herself. Good stuff! Surprisingly, and I quote the its Wiki, “The movie failed miserably at the box office.” Go figure.

Rupees 34 only… The actual DVD and the surreal photoshopped graphics.

Next time: Ghaat The Hell!? Unintentionally Funny, Must-Watch Bollywood Movies – Part 2 (Suggestions will be appreciated)

Rating 4.94 out of 5
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