When you look at the fact that there’re more than 1000 new movie releases coming out from Bollywood each year, it’s hard to comprehend why people’ve started complaining about the lack of original script ideas. I mean, a Thousand a year! That’s one more than 999, and about 50 less than the number of star-sons who would be well-advised to look for alternate employment. The point being that when you factor out a figure like that over the ninety something years that Bollywood has existed, you gotta admit that original ideas will be hard to come by. However, is that to say that every plotline has been explored… that every story told? Probably not. But for all intents and purposes as regards this blog, I’m gonna assume that they have!

So, right, then. Moving on! Have you ever been faced with a situation you didn’t know how to react to? A predicament you didn’t know how to face? Now, self-help guides and philosophical bestsellers aside, wouldn’t it be da bomb if you had something a little more specific to turn to. A ready glossary of answers on how to deal with literally any dilemma that life can throw at you, no matter how bizarre… or stupid… or downright dumbfuckinimpossible!

Voila! Presenting ‘The Kickass Bollywood Encyclopedia Of Life-Quandaries & Solutions’. A compilation of… Well, life-quandaries and solutions, as given to us by Hindi cinema over the ages.

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The Quandary – Dreaded Convict Escapes From Your Custody

You’ve managed to apprehend who is pretty much the most-wanted criminal in the country. You then go ahead and let him escape from under your nose, thus, personifying the phrase, “Fucking Loser”! What do you do?

The Kickass Solution

Kickass Solution-Provider

This brilliant resolution needs for you to have a girlfriend from within the force. Why, you ask? So you can be a total pussy, like Jackie Shroff here, and ask her to go undercover and infiltrate the gangster’s gang. Even though the chances of her getting raped, or busted and killed, or both, are highly likely… and even though you will probably realise that ‘Fucking Loser’ won’t even begin to describe you after this… take a look at the bigger picture and take solace in the fact that the convict will be caught… And that a chick who goes around singing about the contents of her blouse is probably not a keeper anyways.

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The Quandary - The Girl You Love Won’t Give You Bhav Because You Are A Lying, Stealing Lafandar… & Her Mother’s Hospitalized

Pretty self-explanatory, this one. Like the redded-Hinglish-text says, the chick refuses to be with you because of your petty-thievery. You might think that the mother’s hospitalization has little to do with the problem or its solution… Or does it? *Smug Grin*

The Kickass Solution

Kickass Solution-Provider

You would be justified in being hesitant about taking love-advice from Bobby Deol, since all his movies involve him being an assassin, or being cheated on, or being an assassin being cheated on. But ‘Kareeb’ is an exception where he actually manages to come up with a novel solution to this problem.

See, he figures an easy way to patao the girl would be to pay for her mum’s treatment through non-dishonest means and impress her. How does he get the money then, you ask? Well, he gets an honest job… works hard… and earns enough cash to buy a lottery ticket, and *cough* “do setting” with the lottery officer *cough*. Don’t question the non-non-dishonesty just yet, because he manages to lose the bribe money and, with no other choice left, goes back to stealing the cash he needs. When the chick finds out about all this, she appreciates the sentiment, despite all the open flouting of the one rule she asked him not to break, and all is forgiven.

You can ignore everything else you just read, if you take away the one point the director, advertently or inadvertently, makes here… Women, apparently, are okay with anything you do as long as they stand to gain from it.

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The Quandary – What Do You Do When Your Son Is Murdered In a Case of Mistaken-Identities (With An Identical Non-Twin) & You Don’t Know How To Break The News To Your Mentally-Unstable, Now Widowed, Daughter-In-Law?

A – Tell her to suck-it-up and hope for the best.

B – Break it to her gently and pay for professional treatment, which you can clearly afford.

C – Try to make money off of the fact that your son was one half of the only Doppelganger pair in the history of the world.

D – It is written.

The Kickass Solution

Kickass Solution-Provider

The answer, actually, is secret option E – Pay the twin to come home with you and pretend to be the husband, so as not to upset the freak wife. Sure, you don’t have a concrete plan of where it’s heading… and sure, you’re letting your daughter-in-law get it on with a stranger, without her knowledge… But hey, like the title says, “These are the ways of love”. And how can you go wrong with inviting home a guy with goons and killers after him anyway?

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The Quandary – Pride vs. All Reason & Logic

You are the eldest amongst three middle-class children, with a widowed middle-class father. You meet a rich guy… yada yada yada… he proposes and you accept. Your father, mondo-conveniently, decides that the day of your engagement is  a good day to stop breathing. With two younger siblings to look after, should you proceed with the lowe-fest, or should you put it on hold?

The Kickass Solution

Going by this insightful Rajshri loveliness, the answer is simple. You put your engagement off for 12 years, while you’re babysitting the sibs. Even if the guy offers to take them in, you refuse! Hold your ground, woman! Tell him you want to raise them on your own, with your self-respect intact. The guy will then look past your massive ego and play the waiting game, as Sonu Sood does here. It may seem like a stretch, but since all Sooraj Barjatya flicks are so rooted in reality, we daren’t question the logic.

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The Quandary – Revenge On The Gangsta Who Off-ed Your Dad!

Does this even merit an explanation? You want to take revenge on the gangsta who off-ed your dad.

The Kickass Solution

Kickass Solution-Provider

You may do what Kareena does in the movie. Get a makeover beyond recognition, become the gangsta’s assistant slash sex-slave, let him have his way with you night and day for a few months, and when the opportunity presents itself, run off with what is probably a week’s worth of earnings for the guy. But as awesome a revenge plot as that is *Rolling eyes*, the one thing that you should really take away from Tashan is the fact that the hype, behind revenge or a Yash Raj movie, is always *Always* better than the actual thing!

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