Seeing as to how there are still a couple of days left before another webcomic review comes out, I thought we’d all catch up on a little reading. Yes, loyal viewers. We are back with this, the third edition of The Kickass Bollywood Encyclopedia (Read up on the first 2 editions here) – The all-knowing, all-seeing, and omnipresent giver of answers to all life’s problems since a couple months ago. 4 quandaries… 4 solutions… 4 movies that will make you feel a lot better about your life. Because no matter how big the problem you face, nothing can compare to the douchery affecting the lives and minds of the producers of the following movies the day they got up and said, “Yes! This seems like a good idea to spend lotsa money and base a feature film on.”

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The Quandary - You are a police officer whose wife and kid were brutally murdered by a rich, powerful dude who is unrepentant of his crime and has been acquitted with the help of the country’s best lawyer. You seek revenge!

Due to a misplaced sense of anger, you are especially miffed with the lawyer who you think does more damage to society by defending criminals than the criminals themselves. How do you go about seeking justice for the ones you loved?

The Kickass Solution-Provider

Now, being a high-ranking police officer with access to shitloads of weaponry and nothing to live for, there are a couple of options at your disposal here:

Option A: Common Sense

Take gun, shoot everyone involved with the murder, wait for sweet death and a heavenly reunion with your family.

Option B: Long-Winded Nonsensical 10 Step Revenge Program

Step 1 - Take gun, shoot everyone involved with the murder, EXCEPT the lawyer, and put into motion a “Long-Winded Nonsensical 9 Step Revenge Program” designed especially for him.

Step 2 – Go through dozens of unsolved murder case-files and write a 500 page novel describing the murders in explicit details which only the murderer and investigators would be privy to.

Step 3 – Deliver manuscript to the avengee lawyer through an old man whose only motive in life is to get the novel published.

Step 4 – Fake old man’s death.

Step 5 – Hope that the lawyer takes the manuscript to a publishing house out of respect to old man’s wishes.

Step 6 – Hope that the publishing house finds the English language novel written by a mid-ranking police officer more worth publishing than the hundreds of other professionally written novels that they reject every year.

Step 7 – ALSO hope that the publishing house prints the novel under the lawyer’s name and not the old man’s.

Step 8 – After novel becomes bestseller, arrest the lawyer for the dozens of real unsolved murders described in the book.

Step 9 – Help lawyer get bail and assist him in finding out who set him up(?!)

Step 10 – When he finds out it was you, explain why you did it, shoot him, wait for sweet death and a heavenly reunion with your family. Keep the explanation part short though, lest someone finds a gun during your melodramatic speech and shoot you before you can make sure the job is done, like in this film.

You might be wondering how anyone with no prior writing experience could summon the talent enough to write a bestselling novel at will. You might also be wondering why anyone would write a bestseller and then let someone else take all the credit and the money and the fame, the revenge part notwithstanding. But remember that this is a Sunny Deol endorsed revenge plan, so we’d best leave it at that.

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The Quandary - You wake up in a chemical factory with 5 other dudes with no recollection of who you are, how you got there or why you all look like you’ve arrived straight from a Matrix Theme Party.

That’s right! You wake up all Ghajini-like and realize that someone blew up a tank with an amnesia-inducing gas in the premises. Also, there is an evil mastermind who keeps calling you dudes on the factory’s (Working!) landline, as he had hired some of you dudes to kidnap and kill some of you other dudes. Only he has no idea that none of you dudes remember which category of ‘Dude’ you belong to. Oh, and just for kicks, he locked the factory door from outside before leaving his dudes to kill the leftover dudes.

The Kickass Solution-Provider

Now, seeing as to how the whole “memory-loss, no idea who’s supposed to kill whom” debacle was clearly an accident planned by no one, you’d think that the logical solution would be to check your pockets for some form of identification. But what if – and bear with me here – What if you happened to be part of the only six people in the history of the corporate underworld who can identify the memory loss inducing properties of a gas from it’s chemical formula, and still be stupid enough to start thinking of MTV Roadies like groupism strategies before thinking to look in your fucking wallet… like in this behemoth of a ensemble movie.

If you are part of said ensemble, it would serve you well to take one of the many loaded guns strewn about the factory and go ape-shit on your own brains. Failing that, you could go the way of the characters in this movie and wait out 2 hours of unnecessary tension-ous background music and play mind games 4 year old children wouldn’t fall for when they were 2… all in the hope that you end up on the right end of the Tarantino-aspiratory shootout during the climax.

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The Quandary - You love your boss. He is already married.

Married to a chick he loves with all his heart, no less.

The Kickass Solution-Provider

You, of course, murder the wife so that your path to employer lovin’ is clear. If, after that, the boss finds a “lady of the night” at a business conference who, in his grief, he falls for and proposes marriage to within a day of their meeting, what do you then? This genius remake of Alfred Hitchcock’s ‘Rebecca’ answers to that query awesomely well. You wait for the original wife’s body to be discovered… let your boss, the man you would kill for, take the fall for the killing you did… and then set fire to his palatial mansion in an effort to murder the new escort hussy he’s married.

So, to recap, when you love a man who’s already hitched, you:

1) Kill his wife.

2) Get him arrested for the murder of his wife.

3) Set his house on fire.

4) Kill his new wife.

While the plan doesn’t quite come off in this movie, it’s a strategy so awesome, there really is no reason why you can’t make it work for you!

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The Quandary - You are the police. Some guy who looks like he just came from a terrorist camp helped foil a major bomb blast by telling you exactly where the explosive was located and which wire to cut for defusion. How do you go about the investigation?

Do you rely on common sense or believe his version of things, no matter how outrageous.

Now, common sense would dictate that you take the boy in for lengthy questioning, because how can anyone not involved with the terror plot know the “wheres” and the “hows” of the whole thing so accurately, right? Well, this movie does have a questioning session, almost like the one described above… Only, the boy isn’t taken in – he’s questioned on the spot. And as far as lengthy goes… Let me paint you a little picture as to the gist of the entire 15 second terror attack questioning session undertaken here.

And now you know what protocol to follow.

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That’s right! The Encyclopedia is back, kickassier than ever before.  In this, the second edition of the series, we cover five more potentially life-altering situations that may, or more likely will abso-fuckin-never, arise during the course of a normal person’s time here in this essentially non-bizarro world. For those who missed out on the first edition, you can catch up on it here.

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The Quandary - How do you snag the girl you’re in love with who, mother of all original plot turns, is already married?

Alright! So you’re a fairly well-to-do guy, and while on a flight, you come across the gorgeousness that is the woman you want to hook up with for life. Trouble is, you find out that she’s already hitched.

The Kickass Solution-Provider

Now, not all people can take the shock of something that bumming very well. I mean, it is a woman you’ve shared airspace with for all of 2 hours. So here’s what Shahrukh Khan would have you do. You start off with a mild dose of stalking. Nothing too creepy. Just find out where she lives, her financial standing, when her periods are due… You know, mild! Then, you randomly keep making inappropriate job offers to her & hers from time to time. When they refuse, you proceed to beat the husband up, straight to the vegetative point of artificial life support. After, what I am forced to assume, catching up on missed ‘Rakhi Ka Swayamvar’ episodes for the season, you visit him in the hospital and pull the plug on his ventilator sometime later in the week. THEN, and this is the real dealmaker here folks, you use your financial clout to frame your love for your attempted murder, and send her month-old pregnant self to jail for 3 years!

I can understand if you’re a little confused and disbelieving of the strategy at this point. You can be rest assured, as the movie ends on a note not entirely unlike Romeo & Juliet. Of course, where R & J is an eternally bitchin love saga, this movie ends with the chick going, “My living is less important than your dying” and then proceeding to commit murder cum suicide cum mass audience mindrape. But come on! It’s as close to Shakespeare as you can get with a chick you widowed and sent to prison.

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The Quandary - How do you cope with an ego-tussle that results in an ugly custody battle?

Two singers on opposite sides of the spectrum. The chick is an ultra-successful recording artist. The dude is talented enough, but is shit outta luck. The chick goes off to pursue greener pastures, leaving her offspring to be fended for by said dude. After getting bored with all the fame and money, she decides it’ll be fun to see what child-rearing is like, not unlike one Ms. Britney. The fireworks, thus, begin.

The Kickass Solution-Provider

Here’s how the scene plays out in the movie. Since the dad has taken care of the son for much of his preteen years, he deserves to win but can’t find a lawyer within his viable price range – Free to Ultra-Cheap. The mum has no case, but is rich and, if the quandary so arises, can afford to frame the dad for her attempted murder.  And so begin the Kramer vs. Kramerish plot proceedings.

Now you might be wondering as to who this solution actually addresses. It is, of course, the kid who has been born to who have got to be the single loser-est couple to reproduce since the dawn of time. Talent or not, you have got to question the man who can’t catch a break as a singer at a time when Altaf Raja *Shudder* was considered the pinnacle of non-Bollywood singing. And the mum! Wow! How cheap do you have to be to be an ultra-successful popstar and still hire a lawyer who has the capacity to botch up a routine custody hearing against the cheapest for-hire attorney in the jurisdicition?! So kids, here’s what you do. You hustle the mum for gifts, ever teasing in front of her the possibility of you leaving the dad if she keeps up the pampering, while you get the dad to get a move on and get some serious cash flow coming in. It’s a win-win that this child truly deserves!

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The Quandary - You love a girl who you are deemed not non-loser enough for and who is then married off to someone non-loserish enough.

The quandary as posed by this heart-tugging geniusness is that, despite your lover’s insistence, you refuse to doll up to meet your prospective father-in-law in an effort to be accepted for who you are. Who you are, unfortunately, is a broke, too-ego-toting-for-his-wallet jackass who will give up his love before he gives up his hard to fathom dignity. The bemused father kicks you the fuck outta his mansion and finds a real man for his daughter, as any parent not out of ‘Akele Hum, Akele Tum’ would do.

The Kickass Solution-Provider

Now, to understand the true lengths of Suneil Shetty’s character’s ego trip here, you have to know that it’s not like the father was an evil moustache tweaking villain here. He gives him a chance to man up and explain his future path. Suneil, however, thinks this is a good time to play ‘the take it or leave it’ card, leave it being the choice smacked in his face. With still no favourable responses forthcoming, it is out of sheer “I give upness” that the father calls in for groom reinforcements. Anyway, if your ego is as inflated as the former paramour here, this is what you do.

Stinging from what you perceive to be an uncalled for rejection, you decide to make a mark for yourself and vow to burn the new husband’s business to the ground corporate style. Observe how this epiphanous career decision doesn’t rear its motivational head at any other strategic life moment, like, say, when he was out to woo his soulmate’s dad for approval. You actually manage to pull off the coup too, grinding the couple to bankruptcy. But one heartfelt speech later, you are broken down and leave the lovers be, because… Well, you showed them what they missed out on. *Cough* Even though you end up alone and hollow from the spoils of your victory *Cough*.

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The Quandary - You have just been introduced to the fact that you are one of the luckiest people in the world at a time when you need a lot of cash.

Lady Luck is essentially your bitch and there is little in this world that won’t go your way if you really want it. Sigh… Life sure can throw you some doozies sometimes.

The Kickass Solution-Provider

That’s what the movie ‘Luck’ would have us believe of Imran Khan’s character, who needs like 20 crores to pay off his suicided dad’s fraudulent IOUs. Enter a strange man who takes him to gambling joints and shows him that he just cannot lose. He lets him keep the evening’s wins and leaves him with the promise of a lot more cash if he follows him to Africa for reasons mysteriously unexplained. Totally up to him, by the way. No gangsta like threats here.

Now, what do you do when you need cash, have been introduced to all the underground gambling dens in the city and can’t lose at games of chance? You, of course, try to avoid all the traffic and transportation hassles of Bombay in trying to get from one den to the other and follow the gangster across continents on a chartered jet… to take part in a 20 day last-man standing competition that you probably won’t be allowed to come back alive from even if you survive. The sheer simplicity of the plan is worth the minor hiccup of looming death.

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The Quandary – How do you screw up a woman’s life… a woman who you haven’t met like ever.

Nah! That’s not really what this movie is about. It could’ve been though, and if it was, it would’ve made for a much better watch. Anyway, it’s a quandary that the movie does unintentionally help us solve.

OK! So ‘Tum Bin’ is a masterclass in kicking a woman when she’s down and then helping her up, only to break off her engagement. It is the movie equivalent of getting punched below the belt by Mike Tyson and then getting your ear bitten off while you’re writhing around. Now, I hope no man ever faces this particular quandary, but if someone does, here’s how to go about ruining a woman you’ve never met.

You first run over a man and drive off without reporting the crime. Then you feel guilty and check up on his fiance. You find out that as his company depended on him for leadership, it is now being run into the ground. You know, ‘coz you played bumper cars with his body and your 2 ton SUV. So, in an effort to play the now good samaritan, you enter his fiance’s life and offer to bring the company back up on its feet. Mind you, this is without letting her catch on that you’re the reason that she’s been sexless for months. In all the ace company management, you accidently woo her, only to slap in her in the face, again, with a rejection because you feel too guilty to sleep with your murderee’s significant other. Then, along comes a rival company’s young CEO who takes a fancy to our little bruised and battered harlet. He proposes and she accepts. Life seems to have some semblance of normalness for her at last. It is at this point that you decide to fuck the guilt and break up the engagement by declaring your love for her. She just wants the insanity to stop and doesn’t care who she ends up with, so she takes your hand. Ladies & gentlemen, here is where you pull out all the stops in the ultimate “Fuck You” moment and break it to her that she just rejected a perfectly nice and successful man for the dude who is wanted in a hit & run case involving her fiance as the road kill.

The chick in the movie actually stands up to all the torturous mindfucking being doled out to her… to the point that the guy runs out of ideas and gives up and marries her. But trust me, in non-bizarro world, your job’ll be done by Para 2 Line 2.

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When you look at the fact that there’re more than 1000 new movie releases coming out from Bollywood each year, it’s hard to comprehend why people’ve started complaining about the lack of original script ideas. I mean, a Thousand a year! That’s one more than 999, and about 50 less than the number of star-sons who would be well-advised to look for alternate employment. The point being that when you factor out a figure like that over the ninety something years that Bollywood has existed, you gotta admit that original ideas will be hard to come by. However, is that to say that every plotline has been explored… that every story told? Probably not. But for all intents and purposes as regards this blog, I’m gonna assume that they have!

So, right, then. Moving on! Have you ever been faced with a situation you didn’t know how to react to? A predicament you didn’t know how to face? Now, self-help guides and philosophical bestsellers aside, wouldn’t it be da bomb if you had something a little more specific to turn to. A ready glossary of answers on how to deal with literally any dilemma that life can throw at you, no matter how bizarre… or stupid… or downright dumbfuckinimpossible!

Voila! Presenting ‘The Kickass Bollywood Encyclopedia Of Life-Quandaries & Solutions’. A compilation of… Well, life-quandaries and solutions, as given to us by Hindi cinema over the ages.

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The Quandary – Dreaded Convict Escapes From Your Custody

You’ve managed to apprehend who is pretty much the most-wanted criminal in the country. You then go ahead and let him escape from under your nose, thus, personifying the phrase, “Fucking Loser”! What do you do?

The Kickass Solution

Kickass Solution-Provider

This brilliant resolution needs for you to have a girlfriend from within the force. Why, you ask? So you can be a total pussy, like Jackie Shroff here, and ask her to go undercover and infiltrate the gangster’s gang. Even though the chances of her getting raped, or busted and killed, or both, are highly likely… and even though you will probably realise that ‘Fucking Loser’ won’t even begin to describe you after this… take a look at the bigger picture and take solace in the fact that the convict will be caught… And that a chick who goes around singing about the contents of her blouse is probably not a keeper anyways.

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The Quandary - The Girl You Love Won’t Give You Bhav Because You Are A Lying, Stealing Lafandar… & Her Mother’s Hospitalized

Pretty self-explanatory, this one. Like the redded-Hinglish-text says, the chick refuses to be with you because of your petty-thievery. You might think that the mother’s hospitalization has little to do with the problem or its solution… Or does it? *Smug Grin*

The Kickass Solution

Kickass Solution-Provider

You would be justified in being hesitant about taking love-advice from Bobby Deol, since all his movies involve him being an assassin, or being cheated on, or being an assassin being cheated on. But ‘Kareeb’ is an exception where he actually manages to come up with a novel solution to this problem.

See, he figures an easy way to patao the girl would be to pay for her mum’s treatment through non-dishonest means and impress her. How does he get the money then, you ask? Well, he gets an honest job… works hard… and earns enough cash to buy a lottery ticket, and *cough* “do setting” with the lottery officer *cough*. Don’t question the non-non-dishonesty just yet, because he manages to lose the bribe money and, with no other choice left, goes back to stealing the cash he needs. When the chick finds out about all this, she appreciates the sentiment, despite all the open flouting of the one rule she asked him not to break, and all is forgiven.

You can ignore everything else you just read, if you take away the one point the director, advertently or inadvertently, makes here… Women, apparently, are okay with anything you do as long as they stand to gain from it.

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The Quandary – What Do You Do When Your Son Is Murdered In a Case of Mistaken-Identities (With An Identical Non-Twin) & You Don’t Know How To Break The News To Your Mentally-Unstable, Now Widowed, Daughter-In-Law?

A – Tell her to suck-it-up and hope for the best.

B – Break it to her gently and pay for professional treatment, which you can clearly afford.

C – Try to make money off of the fact that your son was one half of the only Doppelganger pair in the history of the world.

D – It is written.

The Kickass Solution

Kickass Solution-Provider

The answer, actually, is secret option E – Pay the twin to come home with you and pretend to be the husband, so as not to upset the freak wife. Sure, you don’t have a concrete plan of where it’s heading… and sure, you’re letting your daughter-in-law get it on with a stranger, without her knowledge… But hey, like the title says, “These are the ways of love”. And how can you go wrong with inviting home a guy with goons and killers after him anyway?

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The Quandary – Pride vs. All Reason & Logic

You are the eldest amongst three middle-class children, with a widowed middle-class father. You meet a rich guy… yada yada yada… he proposes and you accept. Your father, mondo-conveniently, decides that the day of your engagement is  a good day to stop breathing. With two younger siblings to look after, should you proceed with the lowe-fest, or should you put it on hold?

The Kickass Solution

Going by this insightful Rajshri loveliness, the answer is simple. You put your engagement off for 12 years, while you’re babysitting the sibs. Even if the guy offers to take them in, you refuse! Hold your ground, woman! Tell him you want to raise them on your own, with your self-respect intact. The guy will then look past your massive ego and play the waiting game, as Sonu Sood does here. It may seem like a stretch, but since all Sooraj Barjatya flicks are so rooted in reality, we daren’t question the logic.

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The Quandary – Revenge On The Gangsta Who Off-ed Your Dad!

Does this even merit an explanation? You want to take revenge on the gangsta who off-ed your dad.

The Kickass Solution

Kickass Solution-Provider

You may do what Kareena does in the movie. Get a makeover beyond recognition, become the gangsta’s assistant slash sex-slave, let him have his way with you night and day for a few months, and when the opportunity presents itself, run off with what is probably a week’s worth of earnings for the guy. But as awesome a revenge plot as that is *Rolling eyes*, the one thing that you should really take away from Tashan is the fact that the hype, behind revenge or a Yash Raj movie, is always *Always* better than the actual thing!

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