The Airtel Digital TV ‘Stars Come Home’ Contest is pretty straightforward. You sign up for a new connection and get a chance to bring your favourite star home for an afternoon filled with celebrity fun and frolic. Now, I have nothing against the ad here. It checks out pretty decently, really. No! Its presence here is owed to the actual contest it endorses.

Not the bad dubbing or the unbelievable overnight before and after makeovers they portray, though. Those’ve been spoofed to overkill already. And to be perfectly honest, I wouldn’t mind a badly produced ad if the product had enough weight on its own. God knows there’re a million awful brands with brilliant ad campaigns to back them. A good case-in-point being Virgin Mobile, whose network coverage is less than Adnan Sami pre-makeover… Oh, or Aishwarya Rai now.

Let’s get into it then. Bad Products, Badder Ads!

Liquid Sense

The Opposite Sex Seducer… Humans or Otherwise!

Buy Now @ http://www.telebrandsindia.com/Telebrands%20India%20-%20Liquid%20Sense.asp

Liquid Sense is apparently a perfume loaded with pheromones that help you attract the opposite sex. The Liquid Sense infomercial is an Ad so amazingly misguided, it’s kinda like that moment where Sunil Shetty and Co. must’ve gone, “Yes, we have read the script and we wanna do Jaani Dushman”. In that, it makes no sense!

The infomercial starts with the customary ‘geek being rejected, applying the product, then getting his groove on with the office hottie’ drill. We then delve into the finer aspects of the product, and that’s where it all goes into bizarrovision. We find out, in Discovery Channel documentary style, about pheromones and how all animal and insect species use them to attract the opposite sex. We are bombarded with trivia about how cats emit them in their pee or some such. Not once, however, do they mention whether the chemical composition of these pheromones is different in each animal species. It is left on an open note for us to assume that these pheromones are universal and, so, if a female cat happens to take a whizz around a horny male dog, we will be witness to something very, very disturbing. The ad also fails to mention if the perfume smells nice or not. But with it being found in cat pee and everything, I guess I don’t blame them for not wanting to talk about the scent.

Anyways, back to the product. Well, it sucks balls, I would assume. I mean, come on! A love potion? That’s like something out of a bad 90’s sitcom. And if Liquid Sense works anything like that, you’ll probably end up with 22 minutes worth of comical situations, mostly involving you attracting the ugliest person you see. Not recommended!

Urine Gone

A Murderer’s Best Friend!

Buy Now @ http://www.telebrandsindia.com/Telebrands%20India%20-%20Urine%20Gone.asp

‘Urine Gone’ is the reason why the word “Wotdafuck!” was invented. Alright, I only just made that word up. But when it does eventually find its way into the Oxford Dictionary, you guys can bear witness to the fact that this is why it was first used. Urine Gone, if branded a little more subtly, might’ve actually been a useful product in houses with pets, as it promises to get rid of stains and odors caused by pet pee.

However, the ad, in a matter-of-fact tone highly inappropriate for a product such as this, also mentions how it can get rid of human blood… Which would’ve been acceptable by itself but for the next part which makes matters a lot shadier. See, the package also comes with a black light. A black light, for those of you who don’t watch CSI or any of its million spinoffs, is a tool used by forensic detectives to detect “bodily fluid” stains which are not visible to the naked eye. The mind truly boggles wondering as to what the motivations behind marketing this product and its accessories to the mass public, including potential psycho killers, are… Unless they actually wanted to facilitate blood spatter and DNA-free crime scenes, the mentioning of the invisible blood detection and elimination is something a lotta people might’ve wanted to steer clear of. Not these guys though!

But ser iously! “For People Accidents”!? And they say it right on the cover too. Do they really expect the layperson to face situations such as the following?

“Average Joe: Hmm, I peed on the carpet today but I seem to have forgotten where. Good thing I have this black light handy. Thanks to Urine Gone, my house is pee-free!”

Seriously, Wotdafuck!?

Disco Fever

Audio CD Collection cum Respect Eliminator!

Buy Now @ http://www.telebrandsindia.com/Telebrands%20India%20-%20Disco%20Fever.asp

If you thought the motivations behind marketing the murder toolkit above were questionable, get a load of this grooviness. ‘Disco Fever’ is a 120 song Multi-CD Collection of disco tunes from the 1970’s, digitally remastered for studio perfect sound. All for a price of just Rs. 3999 + Postage and Handling.

4000 bucks for like 7 CDs. Scratch that… 4000 bucks for like 7 CDs with songs from an era where the Bee Gees were still Da Bomb. I just have one question. Umm… Why?

Now, if I happen to lead into a product with 2 images such as the ones given above, what would your first thought be? Hearing aid? Feng-Shui Crystals? Astrological Sign Gemstones? WRONG! I would, of course, be talking about a weight loss program!

Acu-Slim

“Nyanyanyanyanyanah! We just screwed you… Fatass!”

Buy Now @ http://www.telebrandsindia.com/Telebrands%20India%20-%20Acu%20Slim.asp

The Acu-Slim earrings apparently help you with weight loss. Cue the “Oh Brother!” Rolling Eyes. This is one of those “*Conditions apply” sorta deals, where if you don’t read and listen closely, you’ll be suckered and the product won’t work for ya. Of course, if you do read and listen closely, you probably won’t buy the product to begin with.

Anyways, these magnetic earrings have some accupressurising mumbo-jumbo working for them. Wear these studs and be on your way to a fitter you. Oh, however, and this is the *Conditions Apply part, you have to substitute your diet for a more nutritious one and follow a moderate to heavy exercise program.

Real World Equivalents

Girlfriend (to Boyfriend): Of course I’ll be less possessive… if you stop talking to other girls.

Varun Gandhi: I stand by everything that I said in that speech… but the tape was doctored.

All Non-Manchester United Fans: _______ (Arsenal / Chelsea / Liverpool) are the best… even though we haven’t won anything worth a mention in 3 years.

The Hollywood Purse Hook

The Bhenji’s Bling!

Buy Now @ http://www.telebrandsindia.com/Telebrands%20India%20-%20Purse%20Kit.asp

Even though the term ‘Hollywood’ betrays a lot of non-existent glamour, you should know that this product is nothing more than a glorified nail. It’s basically a suction cup with a hook attachment for hanging your purse on. You know, instead of having to put it on the floor… Or God forbid, on the table where you’re going to attach the hook (Which pretty much renders as much space useless as the purse would’ve). That’s enough to null and void this product off the market right there, really. And I haven’t even mentioned the countless inevitable footmarks on your handbag, the loss of legspace and the possibility of seekh-kababing yourself yet.

Until the next list then folks, it’s over and out!