The Kickass Bollywood Encyclopedia Of Life-Quandaries & Solutions: Edition 3

Seeing as to how there are still a couple of days left before another webcomic review comes out, I thought we’d all catch up on a little reading. Yes, loyal viewers. We are back with this, the third edition of The Kickass Bollywood Encyclopedia (Read up on the first 2 editions here) – The all-knowing, all-seeing, and omnipresent giver of answers to all life’s problems since a couple months ago. 4 quandaries… 4 solutions… 4 movies that will make you feel a lot better about your life. Because no matter how big the problem you face, nothing can compare to the douchery affecting the lives and minds of the producers of the following movies the day they got up and said, “Yes! This seems like a good idea to spend lotsa money and base a feature film on.”

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The Quandary - You are a police officer whose wife and kid were brutally murdered by a rich, powerful dude who is unrepentant of his crime and has been acquitted with the help of the country’s best lawyer. You seek revenge!

Due to a misplaced sense of anger, you are especially miffed with the lawyer who you think does more damage to society by defending criminals than the criminals themselves. How do you go about seeking justice for the ones you loved?

The Kickass Solution-Provider

Fox

Now, being a high-ranking police officer with access to shitloads of weaponry and nothing to live for, there are a couple of options at your disposal here:

Option A: Common Sense

Take gun, shoot everyone involved with the murder, wait for sweet death and a heavenly reunion with your family.

Option B: Long-Winded Nonsensical 10 Step Revenge Program

Step 1 - Take gun, shoot everyone involved with the murder, EXCEPT the lawyer, and put into motion a “Long-Winded Nonsensical 9 Step Revenge Program” designed especially for him.

Step 2 – Go through dozens of unsolved murder case-files and write a 500 page novel describing the murders in explicit details which only the murderer and investigators would be privy to.

Step 3 – Deliver manuscript to the avengee lawyer through an old man whose only motive in life is to get the novel published.

Step 4 – Fake old man’s death.

Step 5 – Hope that the lawyer takes the manuscript to a publishing house out of respect to old man’s wishes.

Step 6 – Hope that the publishing house finds the English language novel written by a mid-ranking police officer more worth publishing than the hundreds of other professionally written novels that they reject every year.

Step 7 – ALSO hope that the publishing house prints the novel under the lawyer’s name and not the old man’s.

Step 8 – After novel becomes bestseller, arrest the lawyer for the dozens of real unsolved murders described in the book.

Step 9 – Help lawyer get bail and assist him in finding out who set him up(?!)

Step 10 – When he finds out it was you, explain why you did it, shoot him, wait for sweet death and a heavenly reunion with your family. Keep the explanation part short though, lest someone finds a gun during your melodramatic speech and shoot you before you can make sure the job is done, like in this film.

You might be wondering how anyone with no prior writing experience could summon the talent enough to write a bestselling novel at will. You might also be wondering why anyone would write a bestseller and then let someone else take all the credit and the money and the fame, the revenge part notwithstanding. But remember that this is a Sunny Deol endorsed revenge plan, so we’d best leave it at that.

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The Quandary - You wake up in a chemical factory with 5 other dudes with no recollection of who you are, how you got there or why you all look like you’ve arrived straight from a Matrix Theme Party.

That’s right! You wake up all Ghajini-like and realize that someone blew up a tank with an amnesia-inducing gas in the premises. Also, there is an evil mastermind who keeps calling you dudes on the factory’s (Working!) landline, as he had hired some of you dudes to kidnap and kill some of you other dudes. Only he has no idea that none of you dudes remember which category of ‘Dude’ you belong to. Oh, and just for kicks, he locked the factory door from outside before leaving his dudes to kill the leftover dudes.

The Kickass Solution-Provider

Acid Factory

Now, seeing as to how the whole “memory-loss, no idea who’s supposed to kill whom” debacle was clearly an accident planned by no one, you’d think that the logical solution would be to check your pockets for some form of identification. But what if – and bear with me here – What if you happened to be part of the only six people in the history of the corporate underworld who can identify the memory loss inducing properties of a gas from it’s chemical formula, and still be stupid enough to start thinking of MTV Roadies like groupism strategies before thinking to look in your fucking wallet… like in this behemoth of a ensemble movie.

If you are part of said ensemble, it would serve you well to take one of the many loaded guns strewn about the factory and go ape-shit on your own brains. Failing that, you could go the way of the characters in this movie and wait out 2 hours of unnecessary tension-ous background music and play mind games 4 year old children wouldn’t fall for when they were 2… all in the hope that you end up on the right end of the Tarantino-aspiratory shootout during the climax.

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The Quandary - You love your boss. He is already married.

Married to a chick he loves with all his heart, no less.

The Kickass Solution-Provider

Anamika

You, of course, murder the wife so that your path to employer lovin’ is clear. If, after that, the boss finds a “lady of the night” at a business conference who, in his grief, he falls for and proposes marriage to within a day of their meeting, what do you then? This genius remake of Alfred Hitchcock’s ‘Rebecca’ answers to that query awesomely well. You wait for the original wife’s body to be discovered… let your boss, the man you would kill for, take the fall for the killing you did… and then set fire to his palatial mansion in an effort to murder the new escort hussy he’s married.

So, to recap, when you love a man who’s already hitched, you:

1) Kill his wife.

2) Get him arrested for the murder of his wife.

3) Set his house on fire.

4) Kill his new wife.

While the plan doesn’t quite come off in this movie, it’s a strategy so awesome, there really is no reason why you can’t make it work for you!

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The Quandary - You are the police. Some guy who looks like he just came from a terrorist camp helped foil a major bomb blast by telling you exactly where the explosive was located and which wire to cut for defusion. How do you go about the investigation?

Do you rely on common sense or believe his version of things, no matter how outrageous.

Kal Kisne Dekha

Now, common sense would dictate that you take the boy in for lengthy questioning, because how can anyone not involved with the terror plot know the “wheres” and the “hows” of the whole thing so accurately, right? Well, this movie does have a questioning session, almost like the one described above… Only, the boy isn’t taken in – he’s questioned on the spot. And as far as lengthy goes… Let me paint you a little picture as to the gist of the entire 15 second terror attack questioning session undertaken here.

11

And now you know what protocol to follow.

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Rating 4.62 out of 5

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37 Responses to “The Kickass Bollywood Encyclopedia Of Life-Quandaries & Solutions: Edition 3”

  1. Hey!

    Just came across your site today; some brilliant pieces of work! Awesome! I laughed so hard reading London Dreams and Blue, I think I peed a little! :D
    Also, as I remarked, I am surprisingly aware today of what a horrendous year for Indian cinema this has been!
    Listing your website on my blog.. Cheers! Keep up the great work!

    Siddharth

    • sahilriz says:

      Hah! To be fair, this year’s been about as bad as any for Bollywood man! But yea, some have surely broken major barriers in awfulness. XD
      Thanks for the blogroll listing! Cheers! =)

  2. ashi says:

    this is so much guilty pleasure…i hope i don’t read through all your posts in one go!

  3. jkd says:

    Tee hee hee.

  4. Mohini says:

    *Snicker* Breaking my characteristic blog-stereotype, I feel compelled to comment on everything! Hilarious shit dude.

  5. Sahil Rizwan says:

    Hehe, thank you all! =)

  6. Kumar says:

    dude.. fuckin awesome.. jst saw d site yday n i’ve bin laughing my ass off ever since.. jst cant stop reading.. adding u on my blogroll 2..

  7. Radhika says:

    awe-bloody-some!

  8. Moony says:

    LMAO!!!!!!!!!!

  9. Sahil Rizwan says:

    Thanks Radhika & Moony! =)

  10. anirban says:

    Please don’t stop whatever it is you’re doing here. Love the site. Keep up the good work!

  11. Shruti says:

    Dude!
    Fun as ever!!!!
    But tell me….don’t you think FOX and ACID FACTORY remind you of BASIC INSTINCT and SAW in some ways………..also….i pity your poor eyes….to have watched the horror!….how DO you get yourself to go for such movies?I look at the title and know it’s a flop and dont bother…..cna’t bare to sit through the mind-rape :P :)

    • Sahil Rizwan says:

      Hehe, thanks! The readers’ smileys are worth the horror…. or something less corny like that. =p

    • Satya says:

      The basic storyline of ACID FACTORY is from an English movie named UNKNOWN starring Jim Caviezel. I haven’t seen ACID FACTORY so I wouldn’t know if they threw in a few scenes from SAW as well.

  12. Funniest shit I have read in a while man .. cheers!

  13. Pranab says:

    Hey Sahil, gr8 blog dude. Got to know about it from none other than the ‘FakeIPLPlayer’ whose blogs were insanely funny as well. I think more publicity is needed for your blog and i will do my 2 cents for that. Do let me know how i can keep a ‘follow’ on you blog without bookmarking it?

    -Pranab

    • Sahil Rizwan says:

      Hehe, yeah. The Fake IPL Player was one of the most genius blogs to come out last year. Can’t wait to see what he comes up with this season. Plus, he also has a book coming out. Good stuff.

      Thanks, by the way! =) You can use the ‘Subscribe to Email Notifications’ on the right sidebar to get updates whenever I put up something new. =)

  14. preethy says:

    i donno how old u are, ur gender, sexual orientation, marital status w/e….. u cud be a 3.6 ft tall gender confused lil girl. Do not care ;im in love wit u. I havnt laffed so hard in soo long!

    I would list u in my blog, but wayyyy wayy too lazy for productive stuff. Ur funny n my top favrt =)

  15. Siraj says:

    man!!!!!! where do you come up with all this … i am rolling and laughing !!
    more more

    can you pliss solve this quandary : NEED MORE Kickass Bolywood Encyclopedia stuff!!!

  16. JKC says:

    Anamika has lifted plot from Beyonce’s Obsessed. Keep up the good work

  17. Nishara says:

    acid factory sounds like a total rip off Unknown!! that movie with the outlander guy !!
    oh amazing take on movies..cant get tired of reading them..recommended the site to my friends ,

  18. Zainab says:

    hey..all your posts are AWESOME! i’m suggesting your website to all my friends!:D
    And btw i came to know of your site only because of the Fake IPL Player! I was checking out his site..and your site was suggested!
    :D

  19. Barkha says:

    my sister recommended one of ur blogs to me…..i think it was facbook mahabhartha…havent stopped since…by the way this:
    “That’s right! You wake up all Ghajini-like and realize that someone blew up a tank with an amnesia-inducing gas in the premises. Also, there is an evil mastermind who keeps calling you dudes on the factory’s (Working!) landline, as he had hired some of you dudes to kidnap and kill some of you other dudes. Only he has no idea that none of you dudes remember which category of ‘Dude’ you belong to. Oh, and just for kicks, he locked the factory door from outside before leaving his dudes to kill the leftover dudes.”
    was way hilarious man……..too gud

  20. Madhavi says:

    Hi Sahil,

    Pure brilliance!!!! I just chanced upon your blog about 3 days back…and now it is’ DA HAWTEST THING’ at my office now………..please do a book :)

  21. Cass says:

    I found your site from http://memsaabstory.wordpress.com/ day before y’day. It’s day 3 now and Im all hooked to ur site… all my office work aside tee hee :D

  22. Ameya says:

    awesome man, simply awesome! u reach new heights with each 1. may u grow bigger n bigger. at least there’s 1 sane movie reviewer left in India.

  23. hemant says:

    Brilliant! Keep up the good work. Good quality material in deed. Only one piece of unsolicited advise. Blog only when you can. As a former blogger, I can tell you that it is so easy to get sucked into this – so much that blogging becomes the core activity and creativity becomes a far second.

    Have a great day!

  24. M says:

    “kthnxbai” – lol!!

  25. sadaf says:

    OMG !!!!! ripping ‘em to pieces :D … * respect *

  26. Meena says:

    Tooo funny! Thanks for this hilarious writing. I’m totally enjoying myself!

  27. Nivedita says:

    Blog is awesome as always..keep up the good work…just the breaks are too long sometimes ;)

  28. roshan says:

    Awesome!

  29. Meenakshi says:

    I will read anything you write!! I wish i didn’t have to work!! Cannot stop reading these. true gems. You are a brilliant writer, have an awesome sense of humour… I bet you have twinkling eyes!! Keep writing, and keep laughing! And thanks for tickling our funny bone!! :D

  30. Raveena says:

    Dude, your stuff is the shiznet! I am eternally grateful to you for saving what may be effectively a week’s worth of my time from watching painfully illogical Hindi movie (also now the first thing I think when I hear about a new Shahrukh movie is, “I wonder who’s going to cockblock him now”. So thanks, man! Also in reference to this article I think the funniest thing about Acid Factory is their wiki page. You can imagine the director jack off while writing it. For reference, ‘The plot is like a Rubik cube that acquires the contours of solid colours on each side as the narrative unfolds.’

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