Seeing as to how there are still a couple of days left before another webcomic review comes out, I thought we’d all catch up on a little reading. Yes, loyal viewers. We are back with this, the third edition of The Kickass Bollywood Encyclopedia (Read up on the first 2 editions here) – The all-knowing, all-seeing, and omnipresent giver of answers to all life’s problems since a couple months ago. 4 quandaries… 4 solutions… 4 movies that will make you feel a lot better about your life. Because no matter how big the problem you face, nothing can compare to the douchery affecting the lives and minds of the producers of the following movies the day they got up and said, “Yes! This seems like a good idea to spend lotsa money and base a feature film on.”
The Quandary - You are a police officer whose wife and kid were brutally murdered by a rich, powerful dude who is unrepentant of his crime and has been acquitted with the help of the country’s best lawyer. You seek revenge!
Due to a misplaced sense of anger, you are especially miffed with the lawyer who you think does more damage to society by defending criminals than the criminals themselves. How do you go about seeking justice for the ones you loved?
The Kickass Solution-Provider
Now, being a high-ranking police officer with access to shitloads of weaponry and nothing to live for, there are a couple of options at your disposal here:
Option A: Common Sense
Take gun, shoot everyone involved with the murder, wait for sweet death and a heavenly reunion with your family.
Option B: Long-Winded Nonsensical 10 Step Revenge Program
Step 1 - Take gun, shoot everyone involved with the murder, EXCEPT the lawyer, and put into motion a “Long-Winded Nonsensical 9 Step Revenge Program” designed especially for him.
Step 2 – Go through dozens of unsolved murder case-files and write a 500 page novel describing the murders in explicit details which only the murderer and investigators would be privy to.
Step 3 – Deliver manuscript to the avengee lawyer through an old man whose only motive in life is to get the novel published.
Step 4 – Fake old man’s death.
Step 5 – Hope that the lawyer takes the manuscript to a publishing house out of respect to old man’s wishes.
Step 6 – Hope that the publishing house finds the English language novel written by a mid-ranking police officer more worth publishing than the hundreds of other professionally written novels that they reject every year.
Step 7 – ALSO hope that the publishing house prints the novel under the lawyer’s name and not the old man’s.
Step 8 – After novel becomes bestseller, arrest the lawyer for the dozens of real unsolved murders described in the book.
Step 9 – Help lawyer get bail and assist him in finding out who set him up(?!)
Step 10 – When he finds out it was you, explain why you did it, shoot him, wait for sweet death and a heavenly reunion with your family. Keep the explanation part short though, lest someone finds a gun during your melodramatic speech and shoot you before you can make sure the job is done, like in this film.
You might be wondering how anyone with no prior writing experience could summon the talent enough to write a bestselling novel at will. You might also be wondering why anyone would write a bestseller and then let someone else take all the credit and the money and the fame, the revenge part notwithstanding. But remember that this is a Sunny Deol endorsed revenge plan, so we’d best leave it at that.
The Quandary - You wake up in a chemical factory with 5 other dudes with no recollection of who you are, how you got there or why you all look like you’ve arrived straight from a Matrix Theme Party.
That’s right! You wake up all Ghajini-like and realize that someone blew up a tank with an amnesia-inducing gas in the premises. Also, there is an evil mastermind who keeps calling you dudes on the factory’s (Working!) landline, as he had hired some of you dudes to kidnap and kill some of you other dudes. Only he has no idea that none of you dudes remember which category of ‘Dude’ you belong to. Oh, and just for kicks, he locked the factory door from outside before leaving his dudes to kill the leftover dudes.
The Kickass Solution-Provider
Now, seeing as to how the whole “memory-loss, no idea who’s supposed to kill whom” debacle was clearly an accident planned by no one, you’d think that the logical solution would be to check your pockets for some form of identification. But what if – and bear with me here – What if you happened to be part of the only six people in the history of the corporate underworld who can identify the memory loss inducing properties of a gas from it’s chemical formula, and still be stupid enough to start thinking of MTV Roadies like groupism strategies before thinking to look in your fucking wallet… like in this behemoth of a ensemble movie.
If you are part of said ensemble, it would serve you well to take one of the many loaded guns strewn about the factory and go ape-shit on your own brains. Failing that, you could go the way of the characters in this movie and wait out 2 hours of unnecessary tension-ous background music and play mind games 4 year old children wouldn’t fall for when they were 2… all in the hope that you end up on the right end of the Tarantino-aspiratory shootout during the climax.
The Quandary - You love your boss. He is already married.
Married to a chick he loves with all his heart, no less.
The Kickass Solution-Provider
You, of course, murder the wife so that your path to employer lovin’ is clear. If, after that, the boss finds a “lady of the night” at a business conference who, in his grief, he falls for and proposes marriage to within a day of their meeting, what do you then? This genius remake of Alfred Hitchcock’s ‘Rebecca’ answers to that query awesomely well. You wait for the original wife’s body to be discovered… let your boss, the man you would kill for, take the fall for the killing you did… and then set fire to his palatial mansion in an effort to murder the new escort hussy he’s married.
So, to recap, when you love a man who’s already hitched, you:
1) Kill his wife.
2) Get him arrested for the murder of his wife.
3) Set his house on fire.
4) Kill his new wife.
While the plan doesn’t quite come off in this movie, it’s a strategy so awesome, there really is no reason why you can’t make it work for you!
The Quandary - You are the police. Some guy who looks like he just came from a terrorist camp helped foil a major bomb blast by telling you exactly where the explosive was located and which wire to cut for defusion. How do you go about the investigation?
Do you rely on common sense or believe his version of things, no matter how outrageous.
Now, common sense would dictate that you take the boy in for lengthy questioning, because how can anyone not involved with the terror plot know the “wheres” and the “hows” of the whole thing so accurately, right? Well, this movie does have a questioning session, almost like the one described above… Only, the boy isn’t taken in – he’s questioned on the spot. And as far as lengthy goes… Let me paint you a little picture as to the gist of the entire 15 second terror attack questioning session undertaken here.
And now you know what protocol to follow.