Ek Sansanikhez Note: Part-I

I thought I’d try and keep things fresh here by not overdoing the stale movies bit. Plus, I couldn’t find any funny screenshots of the movies I wanted to cover in Part-III of the Ghaati Bollywood list, so there. But rest assured, I am working on it.

Of course, having said that, the Indian Media and Entertainment Business has never been short of other things worth making fun of. So, in the meantime, this list, for your consideration.

I was thinking the other night that I have a lot (And I mean, A LOT!) of friends, who are, directly and indirectly, associated with the news media. Some report for newspapers, others work for TV News stations. But thankfully, none of them work for the lovely people over at the channels about to be mentioned herein.

Yes. This series will cover some of the most outrageously hilarious and tragically ridiculous news stories being covered these days. Kya aap is sansanikhez khulaase ke liye tayyaar hain?

Sansanikez Item #1: Amitabh Ke Purvjanam Ka Rahasya
(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L7OJ2XlBoPE)

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Here’s a scenario for you to chew on. Mr. Bachchan is admitted to the Leelavati Hospital with what may well be a life-threatening illness. There’re no interviews from family or friends on offer and no news forthcoming from elsewhere either. But you still have to put up some sorta news item on the guy, right? As a self-proclaimed serious news channel, what do you do? Do you show a montage of clips from his movies? Do you do a story on his previous major injuries? Wrong! You, of course, air a half hour special about his previous birth in the 19th Century!

In a shocking (SHOCKING!) 30 minute display of investigative journalism, we find out that Amitabh Bachchan was actually a 19th Century American theatre actor by the name of Edwin Booth. Now, get this. Edwin Booth’s first wife was apparently Rekha in a previous birth; his second wife was Jaya Bachchan in a previous birth; and his mum… That’s right! The future Big Momma B!

Edwin Booth, himself, was a neat guy, evidently. He did a bunch of Shakespearean plays, was moderately famous, got married a couple of times. Not someone you’d mind being reincarnated from, really. But while going through his Wiki (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Edwin_Booth) during research, I found out that there’s one tiny little detail about him which India TV conveniently decided to skip out on, either for a lack of time or for lack of importance. I leave it up to you to decide.

See, Edwin Booth had a brother. A brother by the name of John Wilkes. John assassinated one Mr. Abraham Lincoln. John was a bad boy.

The most painful part about this report is the guy who keeps going “Shaayad Aapko Yakeen Nahi Hoga” every so often in the background. Amitabh Bachchan – Reincarnation of the brother of the guy who killed the most famous President in the history of mankind. Yeah, “Shaayad”.

Sansanikez Item #2 : Besharmon Ki Fauj
(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IaONId_EP9o)

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“The Army of the Shameless” news story is one of my personal favourites because the irony of using that headline on others is so completely lost on the amazing team working over at India TV, they actually thought they could get away with it.

This story aired after Team India’s loss at the Asia Cup. The channel took it upon itself to personally rip apart every batsman with headlines so cringeworthy, they’ve now become the best batting lineup in the entire world in 7 months, for fear of putting the layman through something that mind-numbing again.

Sansanikhez Quotes:
“In chehro ke paas khoon toh hai, magar crease par jam kar khade rehne ke liye haddiyan nahi hai!”

“Yuvraj, tumhare hazaaron ad filmon main toh retake hote honge, magar Mendis ke saamne koi retake nahi hota!”

“Virat Kohli, captaan Dhoni se dosti karne ka yeh matlab nahi hai ki tum match main anhoni kar sakte ho!”

The funniest thing about this show is the flash banner for the show about to air after this one. “Shani Par Sankat”. A story that covers the apparent end of the world in 2012.

Sansanikez Item # 3: Kabutaron Par Grenade Ka Kahar

(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P3iYpt8-PGE)

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26/11 was the epitome of the media being at its frenziest. From the terrorists’ chicken and dry fruits diet to the blueprints of buildings 5 miles from The Oberoi, these people had to air it all. But the one ridiculous story that stands head, shoulders and feathers above the rest is this one about the pigeons in front of the Gateway of India. If you don’t have the time to YouTube it, here’s a gist. The cameraman zooms in on individual pigeons, while the reporter, very seriously, might I add, sums up its thoughts and feelings about the whole situation. So we get gems such as:

“Yeh Kabootar pure din bhuke pyaase badbada rahe the ki hamare Taj ko kya hua”

“Is Kabootar ko samajh nahi aa raha hai ki aakhir uska dosh kya tha”

“In kabootaron ki maut se aisa lagta hai ki bharat ki shaan kahin ghoom ho gayi hai”

Hmm… 170 something people are killed by terrorists in two of the country’s biggest hotels, no biggie. “Ek kabootar mar gaya!? Haw, hamari shaan ka kya hoga?” Right on, reporter dude.

Sansanikez Item #4: Helicopter Se Dulhaniya Lene Pahuncha Dulha
(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t0Eh_ZqzBmE)

Come wedding season, over-extravagance is a concept lost on most families here. So the folks over at Live India decide to cover a story on grooms ditching horses for helicopters. Seems legitimate enough. Ah, but who wants legitimate when you can do outrageously bizarre! Enter the awful production values that only few can manage, and even lesser can believe, even if they see it.

This report comprises what is, evidently, the newscaster sitting in a disgracefully photoshopped rendition of a (mindfuck) helicopter with an even more mindfuckingly photoshopped female model / co-pilot, and then flying over a photoshopped city. Now, I’m not even going to try and explain what they were trying to accomplish here so I’ll just put up some screenshots. Maybe you guys can figure it out.

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Sansanikez Item # 5: Maut Se Panga

Guy falls on railway tracks. Train runs over guy. Train passes over completely. Guy walks out alive.

This story’s actually pretty amazing and given the right spin, could’ve really been cool, in an AXN World’s Most Amazing Videos kinda way. But what spin did these guys choose, you ask? The thought bubbles with weird captions spin, of course!

So while we watch the guy lying face down on the tracks, these surreal thought texts keep popping up, including:

“Arey, yeh train khatam hi nahi hoti!”

aur

“Kitni lambi hai yeh train?”

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Oh, and all these thought bubble captions are narrated out loud by the reporter in a tone that can only be described as one of admiration and impressiveness. In effect, if I were to translate the narrative and the subtext in English, it would go something like this:

“Whoa baby! This train just keeps going on and on and on….!”

and

“Dude, This Train Is Loooong!”

Both, not really the first things you’d expect a guy lying under a moving train to be thinking.

Alright, that’s it for this edition then. So, in true sansanikhez fashion, “Yeh thi khabrein aaj tak. Intezaar kijiye kal tak.”

Rating 4.86 out of 5
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42 Responses to “Ek Sansanikhez Note: Part-I”

  1. Nishchaya says:

    Awesome work dude!! Your posts are just too hilarious. I must admit that your posts (especially the graphical ones) are a master act of creativity. Keep with the great work, I have become a big fan of yours.

  2. Priyansh says:

    Dude… must say- m literally laughing like an idiot..
    too gud..
    just checked out d website- n from now on- will recommend it to every1…
    d posts r fucking amazing!!!

  3. Nachiket says:

    Dude, awesome work!! Found your blog by accident and can’t stop reading it!
    BTW, had u seen the “sansanikhez khabar” about Aliens stealing Cows shown on India TV a year or two ago? That was another laugh riot.

  4. Shruti M says:

    Really good posts. :)

  5. maddy says:

    ur posts r lik- most hilarious ones i EVER CAM ACROSS!!
    loved the movie reviews!!was practically ROFLMAOW!!
    kEep up the job!! this blog ROCKS!!

  6. Prasanna says:

    i try to keep abusive words even as an expression of excellence on public websites but dude your page is AWEFUCKINGSOME!!!!! BRILLIANT!!!! the link has already been forwarded to another dozen people… KICKASS STUFF MATE.. keep it going!!!!

  7. Varun Agarwal says:

    Damn man! This rocked!! :P :)
    Thanks!

  8. Febin says:

    Sahil!

    Awesome work!! Happened to chance upon your 3 idiots review today.. Been reading all your articles since that.. Just finished.. Loved reading every bit of it! I’ve forwarded the link to all my friends too..

    Cheers!

  9. Lubaina says:

    hahahah!! Hilarious! Excellent work. Cannot wait for part 2

  10. Sahil Rizwan says:

    Thank you people! Keep reading and spreading the word whenever possible! =)

  11. Sudhanshu says:

    Hey Sahil!!!! Awwwsome work pal!!!
    Stumbled upon your 3 idiots review today and couldn’t plug off your website since then. Your analysis and perspective to things is damn cool…

    The link had been already posted on my status mssg on all social networks tht I use..

    You rock buddy!!!

  12. Nilotpal says:

    man o man o man. and to think of it when Rajat Verma ws launching India TV, he said in an interview “TV news channels are increasingly focusing on the 3 F’s Film, Fashion nd Food. India TV will cut out the glamor and change all that and do real journalism n all that jazz”. MOFO, what a load of crap. I thought Star News was as worse as it cud get. But this beats it. Nd you bro, r a rockstar, have taken it upon myself to spread this blog around the West Coast here. Keep goin man

  13. Adi says:

    oh man…. this is the good stuff……. and i thought your review of junoon was the great, this one is way better!!! keep it up man!!!! If u don’t mind, i ll share this page on facebook.. :)

  14. Raj says:

    Hey…just discovered your work yesterday…and I have already finished reading almost everything. Have to say..Bloody damn awesome work !!!
    Have also subsribed to new posts
    Keep up the fantastic work.

  15. pawan taneja says:

    we use the word “cringe” (esp. cringeworthy) very often……. why do u think dat is, what does it tell you

  16. Amruta says:

    Rotfl :P What idiots :D

  17. shruti says:

    uproariously funny!! these india tv geniuses deserve an award for coming up wid such mind-blowing stories and captions!! that kabutar piece was side-splitting…like most of the other ppl commenting here, i can’t stop myself from going thru all articles on this site!! keep it going yar!

  18. miya kalidas says:

    subtle humor at its best … keep it up mate
    BTW what do u do for a living ….i hope ur not one of the editors of these news channels ,who come up with such funny stories..
    i actually saw one of these episode of india tv …lol …. it can beat any of the standup comedy acts they air on the cahnnels

  19. miya kalidas says:

    why dont u write about POLITICS ??

  20. Shweta says:

    haha….india tv is full of gems like this….btw that helicopter bit is too bizarre…keep up the good work

  21. Barkha says:

    Hi,
    will my telling u that my dad watches india tv more than laughter shows when he wants a gud, say u have the Bulls Eye?

    thnx for spreading this shit of India Tv, maybe they will change a bit…

    I remember one, where they were telling abt this island in Atlantic ocean which is supposedly haunted, so no planes have ever survived after going over this island and then “Bahut sare scientists is bat ki khoj kar rahe hai, agar apko pata chale to hume jaroor bataye!!” :P

  22. Tasin Junaidi says:

    Came here randomly…hv spent 1 hr of ‘useful office hour’ on it n ppl from outside the cabin can see smiles on my face…so i’ll read rest @ home..
    ur comic strip movie reviews r awesome…4wding ur blog 2 frens…
    btw y dont u write on news channel asking feedback for their dumb@$$ questions.. ‘yes’ k liye Y , ‘no’ k liye….blah blah ..

  23. Meghalee says:

    You made my day, I don’t remember when was the last time I laughed so hard!!

  24. Amruta Phansalker says:

    I loved the helicopter story. The anchor in d helicopter was hilarious! Awesome work dude!

  25. Avinash says:

    Awesome…… Saw one video on India TV on Facebook as well…

    http://www.facebook.com/#!/video/video.php?v=1071335232829

  26. Divya says:

    hahahaa……OSUM….. I sometimes watch them when am bored…..the mind numbing bullshit always cheers me up

  27. Incredibly howlarious but a sad reminder of things that are wrong today. Serving something is directly proportional to the consumption. People like this stuff.

  28. Sajin says:

    Really incredible work man…..Keep this s**t goin…..

  29. crankybiatch says:

    Dear Sahil,
    I kinda stumbled upon this brainchild of yours…. its way too late to say this but its totally funnay… anyways I usually don’t put random comments on blogs,,,, but I need your valuable insights on these:

    http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/blogpost/post/cdc-prepares-for-zombie-apocalypse-tips-on-how-to-survive/2011/05/19/AFHPqD7G_blog.html

    http://emergency.cdc.gov/socialmedia/zombies_blog.asp

  30. Sam says:

    Had to kill a few minutes & what better than going through unread posts here. Its been 5 minutes since I started laughing & I’m ready to spill my innards out at the Kabootar screenshot. Flashing right below the breaking news caption “Ek aatankwadi pakda gaya” is an ad caption that reads “Buy one get one free”. Killer!

  31. Sahil!

    I’m from an ‘ad background’, now doing brand communications! r u for real??! u got my sides cracking at work! this has not happened in a trillion years!! write a book dude plzzzzzz! :) i’ll do the marketing! bloody loved your site! gonna be a regular! keep up the work!

  32. anshu says:

    i have just been introduced to ur work and am wondering why now??!!!all ur posts are hillarious and dude ur witty,how about u come up with some shit on politicians..that would surely be awesome ! anyway keep up the good work man..!!

  33. Larissa says:

    Dude this stuff is brilliant!!! ….one of the many ppl who “stumbled upon ur site” but it is superbly awesome! looking forward to more of ur work! I havn’t laughed this much in ages (actually had tears rolling down my cheeks!!)….do keep it going!!

  34. Ananya says:

    L-O-V-E-D reading thru ur posts…take a look at this one, think u missed this masterpiece!! its about himesh reshammiya being targetted by aliens :P
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aVNV7ZuzgKU

  35. Krupa says:

    Brilliant :D Even better than some of the movie reviews! Absolutely love your work :D

  36. Shruti says:

    Damn you funny man!! I was putting my new born to sleep and I read your ‘ye kabootar Badbada raha hai’ line and now I am in uncontrollable peals and junior looks at me stupidied. Thank uiu for watching this crap and making our day!!

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